Time To Earn My Keep

*warning - lots of text, little pictures*

Well after 24 weeks of focusing on being a mom, I am returning to work tomorrow with mixed emotions. I enjoy my job and HOK has been a great firm for me. I like getting dressed in my work clothes and not having to clean the floor after lunch. I know that I am a better mom by working outside of the home. I like being mentally challenged and working through the constants flow of problems that are inevitable when designing and building large buildings. I like my co-workers and how they make me laugh. BUT I had a very hard time returning to work after Amelia was born. I told myself that with the next one I would try to negotiate a six month leave. I thought the extra time would make such an enormous difference. I could nurse my baby longer, pump less, hopefully be sleeping through the night before returning to work and take the extra time to adjust to life as a family of four.

I also have talked about going to a four day work week since Amelia was born. Nope, I never got the courage to request that of my firm although I know they would let me do it. I have had such internal struggles over what is "expected" of me in the office versus being honest to my bosses that I need extra personal time at this point in my career.

Then my mom got cancer. A great friend of mine, Amanda was such a rock to me during my mom's diagnosis and treatment. Her and her family have and continue to live with the unknowns of cancer on a daily basis. At one point Amanda told me, "Whit, you have to stay positive and believe it or not good things will come from this." Well the scare of my mom's diagnosis in March and wanting to hold onto my girls just that much stronger FINALLY gave me the courage to negotiate the extra time. What do you know, my boss was very supportive and we worked out an extended leave and a four day work week when I return. I worked 8-16 hours/week from home during my leave to allow HOK to not have to switch responsibility for my existing projects.

My leave and where we are with Juliet have neither panned out how I envisioned but I know that is the way life unfolds. With needing to put in time for HOK I didn't get in nearly as many walks, workouts, lunches with friends and naps as I had planned. I thought for sure at almost six months Juliet would be in an easy routine and sleeping through the night. She had other plans. Juliet has steadily regressed in her sleeping and is currently a hot mess. It can take an hour to get her to sleep and she wakes up anywhere from once to five times at night. Night sleeping was better this weekend so please keep your fingers crossed.

Onto the positives. We feel much better about our daycare arrangements this time around. Juliet will be joining Amelia at Rainforest and although they will be in different rooms they will get to see each other at the park, in the big play rooms and during special school events. "My Jenn" (as Amelia calls her) is now a teacher in Juliet's room. Yep, that makes an ENORMOUS difference in how we feel about Juliet being away from us. I'm totally freaked out about how Juliet's sleep habits or lack thereof will make her super high maintenance for her providers...

And finally, I have peace in my heart as I know from experience the wonderful relationship I have with Amelia has happened with me working outside the home. As a family of three we were in a groove that had us all smiling and happy. I know it won't come without struggles but I am confident that we will find the same happiness now that we are a family of four with two working parents.

I think Amelia will adjust okay to my return to work since she has still been going to Rainforest three days a week. With me having Fridays off now she will just be going one more day. As for Juliet time will tell how she adjusts but I know we will get through it and little ones are more resilient than we give then credit for. Mark will have to adjust to being the family chef again and my crankiness as I become more sleep deprived. As for me, tomorrow I will be trying SO hard to not cry (which I'm doing now) when I think about someone else getting to wake her up from her naps (that is if she actually takes naps).  Even though I've spent way more time helping Juliet learn how sleep the past month than I would ever wish on a parent I will think of my leave with nothing but a warm heart.

Sweet Baby J - Mama is going to miss you but we will be a-okay.